Measuring Up

Adolescence is one of the most amazing and crucial times in life. Each day is filled with opportunity to discover and grow and is also filled with total confusion and fear. There is so much to discover! Young people long to connect and belong while at the same time, they want to be different and stand out. The fear of not measuring up to the norms of their peer group is overwhelming and can greatly influence everything from the clothes they wear to the things that they value and believe. The desire to be accepted into the pack and the fear of being rejected weighs heavily on them. The balance between adhering to the ideals and choices of their peers vs the values of their family is a hallmark of this stage of life. As parents it’s easy to become reactive and to take a firm stance against things that don’t align with our own values and beliefs. We do not have to accept or conform to those beliefs, but it can be helpful and more productive to become curious. I saw that! Some of you just cringed. Let me explain further. Imagine that we are calmly sitting in our favorite chair at home enjoying a peaceful evening (ok, I did say let’s imagine). As we are sitting there, we decide to check in on our adolescent’s phone because we are choosing to allow them this privilege with “parental controls” in place. That is when we see it. They have been texting with their friends and the topic of discussion is shocking! In fact, we are not even sure what some of the words they are using means. We jump up from our comfy chair and barge into their room to confront them about this. We are immediately in protection mode ready to fight to the finish to save our child from a dangerous world. Let’s freeze frame it right there. What comes next? Perhaps our child sits quietly and listens intently to every word we have to say. When we have finished pouring out our wisdom and guidance on them, they turn toward us with a huge smile and fly into our arms saying, “you are so wise and helpful! I don’t know what I was thinking?!” Are you laughing at the idea of this unlikely response? If we are being honest, there would actually be a huge reaction from the child to our reactive bombardment, right? What if we rewind and consider a different approach? As we sit in our chair, perhaps dumbfounded by what we are finding on our child’s phone, what would it be like to get curious? Perhaps we decide to Google the words we have never heard of before. As we read through the plethora of options that our search provides, we begin to see the type of questions that are being raised in the minds of young people today. We get up from our chair, walk calmly (at least outwardly) to our child’s door and knock. Remembering that they have been working on homework, we ask if they have a moment to talk. We calmly remind them that part of the privilege of having a phone is that we have access to look at their phone from time to time to assure that they are staying within the boundaries established and only have contact with people they actually know. I like to call these “parental protections”. In this moment we have the option to invite them into a conversation. Start with a question like, “I see that you have been talking about... I am curious to know where you learned about this. Can you tell me about it? Imagine our child’s surprise when they realize that we want to hear their thoughts and feelings about these really big ideas and questions they have bouncing around in their hearts and minds.

Life is full of landmines. We are never expecting them and navigating through the mine fields of life demands a steady, focused approach. When we are taken by surprise, it is easy to fall into the trap of reacting. Sadly, this only leads to more reactions which ultimately causes a mountain of tension and rockslides that block the pathways to connection. Our children need us to allow them space to ponder, wonder, and reach conclusions. That is part of growing and developing good decision-making skills. We all need a place to process new information. We can either be a safe place for our children to explore all that they are encountering, or we can become the last resort.

One of the biggest elements of the adolescent stage of life is discovering who we are as a person apart from our parents. This is a natural and necessary stage. It is the time of life when children begin to see themselves as individuals and begin to discover that there are different ideas and values in the world that do not necessarily align with their parents’ ideas and values. They are seeking ways to fit in with their peers; ways to be accepted and belong. Group think – conforming to the ideas of those around us is another hallmark of the adolescent stage. The desire to not be seen as different and the fear of being labeled as someone who is out of touch with current trends feels like a death sentence. Adolescents want desperately to do whatever it takes to feel known, accepted, and loved. This includes taking on the beliefs and ideas of others they deem to be most valued in their peer group. This also includes rejecting some of the ideas and beliefs of their family unless we find a way to keep the lines of communication open.

Fear can prevent everyone in the equation from communicating and can lead to separation that is greater than it needs to be. Curiosity and space to talk through things together can provide an avenue for our children to share their ideas, confusion, and their beliefs in a way that allows them to reach conclusions that will likely align more with the values you have instilled. Rushing to debunk ideas or forbid our children from considering things as viable options can and likely will lead to rebellion. Then we have a completely different problem at hand.

It is too easy to jump to conclusions and to miss the opportunity to hear the hearts of our children. They long to be heard just as much as we long for them to hear us; maybe even more. Providing space for them to share what is on their mind will also provide space for them to ask us what we think. If we are too quick to tell them what we think they should know, they may never share the deepest parts of themselves with us, and that would be tragic. The hearts and minds of adolescents are full of wonder and hope. They long to explore and learn and to share themselves with the people they trust will listen. My hope for you is that you will discover how to be a parent who listens so that you can experience what it is like to continue to be connected with your child through one of the most challenging stages of life. This is what it truly means to measure up.

If you or someone you know is struggling in this area, or if you had challenges during your adolescent years that you still seem to circle back to on a regular basis, Finding Hope Institute provides opportunities through workshops and seminars to dig deeper into these ideas. We are also available to talk with you to determine if counseling may be a viable option to find resolution and offer referrals. Reach out today for more information.