When Things Do Not Make Sense...

Understanding Abusive Behavior from a Trauma Perspective

Abuse is an interesting word. It is a word that is so commonly used and attached to so many different events, I sometimes wonder if it has lost its potency in defining certain types of experiences.

In the world of psychology and therapeutic assessments, abuse is seen as the initiator of traumatic experiences and often the source of personal pain. If we take a step back from an abusive situation and ponder for a moment what is driving the abusive behavior and mindset, we might begin to see that the people we tend to villainize are often folks who have experienced trauma themselves. Let me give you some examples of what this might look like in real-life situations. I will start with one of my favorite, not so personal stories.

Years ago, there was an employee at a local big box store in my community that was a greeter at the front door. His job was to check that those who were entering the store had a membership card and to greet them. Every week I saw him at the door, smiled at him as I showed him my card and said thank you as I entered the store. Every week he had a scowl on his face, and rarely acknowledged my presence. So, in America, it is fairly common customer service practice to greet people with a smile and a welcoming attitude, but this man did not seem to care at all to make customers feel welcomed or cared about.

At first, I was a bit befuddled by his demeanor, and over time I became somewhat irritated by his obvious lack of care. I began to feel some animosity toward him feeling like he was a rude person that should not be working in that position if he was incapable of being friendly and kind. After a month or so of weekly encounters I decided that I would choose to continue to treat him with kindness and respect even if he did not reciprocate.

Several months went by and then one day, he was not at the door. Weeks went by and I did not see him at all which made me curious about what had happened to him. Then, one day while I was at the store shopping, I saw him at the back of the store. He was probably four or five yards away from me and there were a lot of customers in the area. We made eye contact and he started walking very quickly toward me with a giant smile on his face. I said “Hello! I haven’t seen you in quite a while.” That is when he told me that he had taken time off because his wife had recently died from cancer. She had been ill for many months and he took a leave of absence to care for her in the last weeks of her life.

I was stunned! This man that I had perceived as unkind and rude was actually someone who had been going through one of life’s most traumatic and painful experiences. In that moment I was so thankful that I had chosen to “take the high road” and be kind even when he was not. It is too easy to pass judgment on another when we are unaware of their experiences or life situations.

The next example is more personal as it is about my family. Growing up I had always felt that there was something not quite right with my family. I really could not name anything specific; I just knew that things were not ok.

I was aware that my parents had each lost a parent when they were young, but beyond that, I did not know much about their past. As a child and young adult, I did not have the capacity to consider what that must have been like for them, but eventually with age and a different perspective on life, I began to see things through a different lens. Both of my parents had incredibly painful and traumatic childhoods that left them in vulnerable places both physically and emotionally. They each experienced the loss of a parent at a very, early age, as well as poverty, and instability in their families all of which created barriers to feeling secure and safe.

When they got married, neither of them had any idea how these experiences had impacted their capacity to trust and connect with others, or to give or receive love. They set out to create a family together with the intention of providing a safe and loving home. I honestly believe that was their desire. The reality was that they had so many internal barriers to achieving their goals, that they really did not stand a chance at success.

Tragic deaths, poverty, and a lack of emotional security left them vulnerable to the stressors of life. It also set them up to walk blindly through every stage of life with no role models or guides to help them understand what was normal or how to navigate through challenges with relationships or other inevitable struggles that everyone encounters in life. They lived in a world of reactive behaviors growing up that carried over into their adult years, and subsequently was handed down to me and my sister.

There were many moments of reactive and automatic behaviors in my childhood home. These moments could be described as abusive, harmful events, and that would be true. It is also true that there were historical events driving the abusive behavior and mindset. It is not an excuse for what took place, nor does it mean that those moments should be ignored. It does, however, provide a source of reference for understanding. From the outside looking in, there was no evidence of problems or chaos in my family. However, there was chaos behind closed doors, and internal chaos in each of my parents.

Let’s take a look at how leading experts have come to explain some of the inner workings of traumatic experiences and abusive behaviors. Forty plus years of scientific research has been conducted to provide a better understanding of how traumatic experiences impacts the way that people navigate through life and how they can or cannot connect with others. The use of MRI imaging and mental and behavioral health studies have paved the way to an understanding of not only the interrelational aspects but also the neurobiological impacts of trauma.

When we are experiencing extreme stress and trauma, we begin to engage with the world and others as if they are the enemy. The interaction of various parts of our brain sets into motion a chain reaction of messages between the hippocampus and the amygdala. The hippocampus is the part of our brain which acts like a radar system that sends messages to our amygdala, the emergency system that there is danger or an emergency. This internal process is by design. When these messages are activated and the perception of danger is believed, all thought, and action taken from this point becomes automatic and reactive. The prefrontal cortex slows down or goes offline and rational thinking and capacity for processing situations is inhibited and everything is then seen through a lens of survival and self-protection.

There are times when we absolutely are in an emergency situation and we need our internal emergency system to take over to keep us safe. Our body is designed to have a warning bell that activates the ability to quickly react to things that could cause great harm. When we are about to touch a hot stove or an object is coming toward our head, we need those automatic and reactive actions to take over to help us react or take action to prevent us from being burned or injured. Chemicals flood our body that gives us super strength or speed that would normally not be present in a calm state of mind.

Many people would refer to this as instinct or survival mode. Science has shown that it is a chain reaction within the brain. We do not plan these reactions. We do not think about what we will do to remain safe. The amygdala takes over and signals to activate our Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) to take charge. We know that the SNS is in control because there are physical symptoms that appear when we are in that state.

Think for a moment about the physical symptoms you experience when you have felt frightened or angry. You might notice that your heart starts beating harder and faster. Your breathing likely becomes shallow and faster. You might experience sweaty palms, twitching, shaking, headaches, stomach issues, tense muscles. All of these symptoms signal that you are on high alert. Alternatively, if you are in a situation that is incredibly sad or painful, you might become extremely sleepy or quiet. You may begin to pull inward and shut down like a turtle going into its shell.

As greater understanding of the various functions of the human brain has been gained, new perspectives have been formed of how the reactive and automatic segments of brain function play a role in daily life and in stressful or overwhelming situations. This perspective can and does help shed light on what is happening within ourselves and in others that can create barriers to effective communication, bonding, and connection with others.

I realize that this may come across as an avenue for letting people off the hook for inappropriate or even abusive behavior. That is not the point or the purpose of writing about this. The purpose I see in having this information is that it can help bring understanding to the challenges we face with people we encounter that may actually make it easier to engage with them and perhaps even support them. As I moved into my professional career, I gained incredible insight into how I can help my clients, but I was also given a window to begin to find answers to some of my deepest questions that were much more personal and a different perspective of the experiences that I had with my parents growing up.

My parents longed to be known and accepted. They wanted to give my sister and me more than they had; and they did. They hoped for better things and they found a way to make some external changes, but it did not fill the holes that their childhood experiences left behind. Their emergency systems were so easily activated that it did not take much to send them into verbal arguments, as well as a sense of insecurity, and distrust of one another. Ultimately their capacity for connection with one another dwindled and fear of loss and abandonment became self-fulfilling prophesies. It took many years for me to gain enough information about my parents’ family histories for me to have insight into all of the questions that had gone unanswered throughout my life. That information paired with the knowledge of the impact of trauma on brain function has opened my eyes of understanding to be able to see what was behind my own confusing and painful childhood experiences. It does not remove the emotional impact those events had on me, but it does give me capacity to see my parents from a different perspective. Seeing them through fresh eyes gives me space for compassion toward them, myself, and others.

It is an amazing privilege to share what I have learned and help guide folks to explore their personal story and family history. With a fresh perspective of our lives, desire for growth and change, and determination to learn we can find our way into new territory that can bring understanding to the challenges we face with the people we encounter that may actually make it easier to engage with them and perhaps even support them with compassion. It can also pave the way to a new level of freedom from chains that bind our hearts preventing us from trusting others or experiencing a sense of connection, belonging, or being loved.

If you relate to anything in this post or have a desire to learn more, please feel free to contact me to set up a consultation to see how Finding Hope Institute can help.